R E B I R T H

Reopening. Rewiring. Recalibrating. Remembering. 

 

I've initiated a personally cataclysmic life event that has left me bare, open, and wonderous. I haven't the faintest clue what any of my single actions are adding up to be as a whole. All I know is that I'm in a cocoon, preparing for a rebirth. In this cocoon, I'm being called to put in work to attain self-mastery, and I am being called to bring you along the way. 

If you'd like to journey with me as I discover and explore things like: integrity, connection, relationships, purpose, passion, the Divine, love, and mastery, then I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter

I don't know how often these emails will be sent. All I know is that I'm committed to listening to and following the faint, but ever-growing, voice that has never led me astray but I've always been skeptical of. This is to say that I am deeply committed to following the Divine and when the Divine says to write, to send - I will.

 

A sample: The First Installment of the Rebirth Series

Now that I’m single again, I’m being reminded of a damaging pattern I’ve lived out many times in this lifetime. It’s a pattern that I suspect many other people have, particularly women, although it isn’t exclusive to one gender. It’s also a pattern that can be a whole life theme of anyone with their North and South Nodes in the 1st and 7th houses. 

The pattern is this: when you’re single, all you think about is being partnered; and when you’re partnered, all you think about is being single. 

This is a simplistic representation of the pattern and what I’d like to do today is swim in its abyss and shed light on all of its nooks and crannies. At the end, I’ll share a simple solution for this pattern, although it isn’t an easy solution, nor is it the only solution.

First, we might think of this pattern as explained above but what’s actually happening in this pattern, in my experience, is a little more pervasive. I haven’t just been “thinking” about the grass on the other side, I was living for the person who was already feeling that grass.

When partnered, I would live for myself.

When single, I would live for some eventual mate.

There is a version of these existances that could be beautiful, healthy, and advised. Such as, just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you should lose your identity. You still need to honor your own wants and needs, chase your own dreams, be yourself...while also doing what is in your power to create the same kind of environment for your partner. 

Right? That’s one meaning of “living for yourself in a partnership”. It’s quite beautiful and what many of us strive for. 

It’s what I thought I was doing. 

I thought I was doing everything in my power to not allow my sense of self to diminish, and I also thought I was making it possible for him to do the same.

I was building a business, unashamed of my magical self, and exploring new hobbies. I was also encouraging him to get back into artistic expression, giving him encouragement about his work, and helping him explore new parts of himself. 

But he would come to me, often, saying he felt like I wasn’t all in and he felt unloved. For a long time this made me feel terrible and I would try harder to change that. But he would still feel this way no matter what I was doing. It got to the point where I started to believe his expectations were too high or that clearly, I just wasn’t right for him.

Looking back retrospectively, I can see now that I was with him. But I wasn’t WITH him. 

And I don’t mean that I was out looking for new people. Well, I guess in a way I was, but I was looking for new versions of myself.

I was physically present. Physically available. Even mentally available intermittently.

But I wasn’t emotionally available. And my mental availability was not consistent in any kind of way.

All this time I thought it was just how I was. This is just me. If you need someone who can show and hold emotion, who can make passionate love, who can feel deeply, then I’m not the one for you. I’m not cold-hearted but I definitely have cold hands. 

In my time being single, I am being reminded of how I’ve existed in the world when I wasn’t attached to someone. Almost every thought and action is accompanied by the wondering if some person would like that. (Seriously, “some person”. Not even a specific person. Just someone I might meet one day, and we fall madly in love because I am a certain way.)

For example, I’d start to read a new book and wonder, “Would they like that I’m reading this? What does reading this book say about me?”.

I would do that with everything. Every article of clothing I’d wear. Every food I would eat. Every Netflix show I’d binge. Every podcast I’d listen to. And so on. And so on.

Never really registering how I felt about what I was doing. What I thought about myself. Am I doing what makes me happy? Or am I only doing the things I think would make someone else feel fondly about me?

There’s a common piece of advice that’s shared with single people, especially within the Christian Church (at least, that’s where it was shared with me), that while identifying who or what you want out of a partner is a thing you can do, are you actually the person that that person would want? If not, you should show up that way.

At the time, this was really profound stuff to me. It was a major realization that it’s important to work on yourself and be your best self. And if you have trouble attracting the kind of person you want, there’s a high likelihood that maybe you just aren’t being the person that that person would be looking for. 

I don’t want to demonize this advice. I definitely think it has merit and it’s intentions are good. But I don’t think I was mature enough to receive that message at that time because what it evolved to in my mind is to live as a person who would be wanted. I completely skipped the whole step of identifying what I wanted in a partner. And never mind any mention of spending time on liking who you are.

Living for yourself while partnered and living for someone else while single doesn’t have to be incorrect as long as it’s entered into in a sovereign way, and not the inside out way that I, and maybe many others, have done.

Ultimately, the solution is simple:

Whatever you’re doing, wherever you are in your life, just be there, and be there for you.

In my single-hood, if I had spent my time getting to know myself fully, doing things to fulfill myself, and “find myself”, as they say, then my partnerships wouldn’t be about me primarily living independently of my partner.

I would have more space within to be able to give love freely to my partner. I could spend less time wondering if my partner was “right” for me. I could spend more time being truly present with my partner, while not worrying if they would love the real me.

Single-hood is truly a gift for deepening your self-love. When we spend this time getting to know ourselves, giving ourselves unconditional love, peeling back our conditioned layers, getting clear on what we want to create in our lives - it makes all of our relationships (romantic, platonic, and otherwise) more enriching and fulfilling.

Having genuine love for yourself no matter what allows you to show up to every relationship fearlessly. 

Fearless of what they’ll think.

Fearless of their reactions.

Fearless of being witnessed.

Fearless of being disliked.

Fearless of being liked.

Fearless of being hated.

Fearless of being loved.

It doesn’t matter what any other person thinks because your own opinions of yourself are all that truly matter. Someone’s dislike of you doesn’t mean you’re less than. It has no bearing on your self-worth because you already know you are infinite.

And when you are in relationship, you’ll know you’re there because you actually want to be there. You’ll know it’s “right” because you’ve already learned what you want to create in your life, and because you love yourself fully, you won’t say yes to anything that isn’t “correct” for you. 

Your relationships become more intentional, more connected, and more real. All because you were intentional with your own time, got connected to yourself, and became more real with yourself, first.

R E B I R T H

Reopening. Rewiring. Recalibrating. Remembering. 

 

"All are on the path whose end is THE ALL. All progress is returning home. All is upward and onward, in spite of seemingly contradictory appearances. Such is the message of the illumined."

 

-The Kybalion